the everydays: May 2009

a few pix from mothers day...

As soon as i wake, i make the bed and, weather permitting, open every window in the house. i glanced at the ground to see if had rained..nope...then noticed the dark gray sky and banked on only having 30 minutes or so of fresh air..i'll take it. sure enough, not long after came the downpour and within 20 seconds, all in sight was soaked. before looking out, i had these great plans to put on a tank and spend the day outside with the kids. in the meantime, plans changed. as i sat with the kids at breakfast this morning, i realize this is our lives- their lives in a nutshell. one minute they are young, with all of the many challenges (and joys) that comes with it. in the midst of planning birthday parites, grocery trips, and budgets..it rains and what was years seems like seconds. i can't help but think of my own parents and what my dad must feel as he sees my siblings and i as nearly fully functional adults and all the time/effort/patience/money it took to get us to this place...and how quickly it has gone.

these past 5 years without my mom have certainly been hard. i think mostly because i have children of my own that i know she would have loved to see. i see their daily lives and know that she was the one who taught me to treasure the moments i treasure. i learned my reactions from her...some good, some bad. i often think of the memories i have with my own children...to them right now, i am their world...but if they lost me at their ages, aside from pictures, they probably wouldn't have a single memory of me. this blows my mind. i remind myself that i'm investing in their lives. i guess thats part of investing. it's hit or miss how much you'll get out of it.

weeks ago a friend loaned me the book "motherless mothers" unitil last week, i had put off reading it, knowing it would make me far more emotional than i felt i had the energy for. i mean, afterall, pregnancy makes you emotional enough as it is. knowing she would eventually want her book back, i opened it. now halfway thru, i've shed many tears, and realized alot about the person i've become. since my pregnancy with mia, i've religiously written daily memories on a calendar. thats almost 5 years of daily documentation! she mentions in the book that many women who have lost their mother often do this out of fear that one day they won't be around to tell their children of the memories that they have so diligently recorded. this is one example of the many "oh...THATS why i do that" moments i've had lately.

i must mention, though, with all of the grief that each passing year has for her absence, these past 5 years have been truly rich. i learned early on that my response is almost as monumental as the event itself. i can remember getting the phone call that she died...in the midst of tears, i can still recall the hope that God put in my heart. the hope that my future would be different. that my life still had a purpose and that there were still many great things ahead...and there has been....still will be...i guess somehow this makes it a little easier...i still miss her...i miss her for my children who will only know her thru me, for my brother and sister who will have fewer memories of her than i have...for my dad who lost his high school sweetheart...i'm not really one to toss around scripture but in order to have hope, it must be drawn from somewhere, so here ya go...

"for you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. psalm 139: 13-14

God certainly wouldn't have made someone 'wonderfully' if he didn't have a plan full of wonder for them.

so here's to all the mommies out there...and to my own... who did the best she could with what she had...