the everydays

i've just finished uploading my first batch of pix for 2010. it was weird naming the folder 'jan 10'. i watch and wait as my computer seems to take longer and longer to load. it slowly, slowly pulls the screen up. i know it's because i've simply overloaded this poor little machine with far too many photos. i guess i'm waiting for it to toss its hands in the air and just shut off, never to be turned on again. last christmas brock bought me a hard drive (?)..at least i think thats what its called...for the simple purpose of storing pix to relieve our computer.

i'm not sure if its because of the new year or if im simply at a place of examining. maybe both. but if found myself overloaded on the inside. like my loyal computer, i was slow to recall the good things in my life. one day last week, all day long, the only phrase my heart could repeat was 'don't leave me lord'...i've known true nearness to God.. i've found myself many times weeping at His grace in my life. i know hes available when i call. i know he loves me. i know these things but, quite honestly, sometimes you just dont feel like you want to know them. feeling sorry for yourself, feeling resentful or bitter or hopeless is often just easier.

i'm about to begin training for my fourth half marathon. the motivation to do so, i think gets harder with each one. i start to recall the early, early saturday morning long runs. i think about rolling out of bed to hop on the treadmill twice a week to cram in a few quick miles before i wake the kids and start another day. its alot of work. takes alot of discipline. i don't think i do it to maintain my weight or any reason like that..maybe i should :) but i think i simply like the challenge of starting something and fininshing it.

so this is where i am in life. i have began this journey of faith. years ago. i think God began it in my heart before i was even aware of it. i can remember the rare church services with my grandma as a little girl. out of boredom, i would repeat in my mind the sentence the pastor had just said. it seemed to make time pass. but, even now, i remember as i'd say his words, i'd feel funny inside. like my heart was tasting something true. i know now it was jesus. fast forward many years and thinking back at his nearness to me then is amazing. amazing that even as a small child i could feel the presence of God and remember it. amazing that He saw it important to prove his existance and stamp that memory on my heart.

im not really sure my point in writing all this..i've just been nearly exploding with emotions. i think the hormonal ones from having knox are gone (maybe:) and i'm grateful that regardless of how i'm feeling...whether it be lonely, happy, anxious, angry...at least i know i'm still operating and that He's near, teaching me the in & outs of his unconditional love....and i'm comitted to finishing this life of faith all the way to the end.